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Notes for Tramitem AU - Suicide mentions.
Jun. 2nd, 2020 04:28 amSimon, Sai to his friends should he ever make any, was used to feeling invisible. Seeming invisible. It didn't always used to be that way. Once upon a time, he had been a very well known and well respected member of an admittedly small, but tight knit community in manhattan. He had been one of the top teachers in the New York branch of the American Go Association. Compared to other countries, Go isn't that well known in America, having a following somewhere between that of American fans of soccer and American fans of Rugby or Curling. But there were communities here and there and they tended to become tight knit and insular. And he had been one of the top non-competitive Go players in the state.
And then there had been a competition. A big one. and he was pressured to compete. He had been happy enough to teach and observe and to support his students. So long as he was involved in Go, and getting to play a few games a day, he was content. But he let them convince him to enter the tournament.
He did very well for the first several rounds, easily winning most matches, squeaking by in a few. By his final match he was undefeated. But so was his last foe. He shouldn't have been shocked at who he faced in the last match. The pair had a somewhat intense rivalry, though Sai had always thought it a friendly one, vying for rank within their group.
Evenly matched, they chose for color. The game was intense but Sai's foe cheated. He was holding extra stones of Sai's color in his bowl! Outraged, Sai was about to call him on it, when he stood up and decried Sai for cheating by palming extra stones! Sai counter accursed and it became heated. The judges were called, the game was mulliganed out and they were forced to restart under careful scrutiny. Sai was so rattled by the experience that he couldn't focus, and despite having the komi, lost. And lost badly.
He went from beloved to shunned in a single day. His students were ashamed, his friends ignored him. And since he'd thrown himself into Go and made it his life since he had been a child he was left with nothing and no one. People from the Association from other states started sending him hate mail, even.
Dejected, and feeling like he had nothing left, Simon attempted to drown himself. Police fished him out of the East River and he was hospitalized for weeks. Both because they were afraid he'd make another attempt, and for the infection he picked up in the water. (Seriously, don't swim in NY rivers and bays.) No one came to visit him. None of the nurses would play Go with him.
Finally he packed up and moved upstate to try and build a new life. But he felt shunned and ignored there too. Mostly because people saw someone sitting alone with a Manhattan/Brooklyn accent, muttering to himself over a Go board in public parks and rather than taking that as an invitation, they took it as a sign he didn't want to be disturbed. And he was too focused on the Go board to notice.
He dyed his hair and grew it long to attract attention, but again his behavior put people off and he didn't notice the stares and murmurs, because he was lost in the Go board. Also, upstate has a lot fewer people per square mile.
He just felt isolated and alone. He might have hugged the person who explained everything to him after his memory flash. And crying might have begged the man to "please... just one game...?"
And then there had been a competition. A big one. and he was pressured to compete. He had been happy enough to teach and observe and to support his students. So long as he was involved in Go, and getting to play a few games a day, he was content. But he let them convince him to enter the tournament.
He did very well for the first several rounds, easily winning most matches, squeaking by in a few. By his final match he was undefeated. But so was his last foe. He shouldn't have been shocked at who he faced in the last match. The pair had a somewhat intense rivalry, though Sai had always thought it a friendly one, vying for rank within their group.
Evenly matched, they chose for color. The game was intense but Sai's foe cheated. He was holding extra stones of Sai's color in his bowl! Outraged, Sai was about to call him on it, when he stood up and decried Sai for cheating by palming extra stones! Sai counter accursed and it became heated. The judges were called, the game was mulliganed out and they were forced to restart under careful scrutiny. Sai was so rattled by the experience that he couldn't focus, and despite having the komi, lost. And lost badly.
He went from beloved to shunned in a single day. His students were ashamed, his friends ignored him. And since he'd thrown himself into Go and made it his life since he had been a child he was left with nothing and no one. People from the Association from other states started sending him hate mail, even.
Dejected, and feeling like he had nothing left, Simon attempted to drown himself. Police fished him out of the East River and he was hospitalized for weeks. Both because they were afraid he'd make another attempt, and for the infection he picked up in the water. (Seriously, don't swim in NY rivers and bays.) No one came to visit him. None of the nurses would play Go with him.
Finally he packed up and moved upstate to try and build a new life. But he felt shunned and ignored there too. Mostly because people saw someone sitting alone with a Manhattan/Brooklyn accent, muttering to himself over a Go board in public parks and rather than taking that as an invitation, they took it as a sign he didn't want to be disturbed. And he was too focused on the Go board to notice.
He dyed his hair and grew it long to attract attention, but again his behavior put people off and he didn't notice the stares and murmurs, because he was lost in the Go board. Also, upstate has a lot fewer people per square mile.
He just felt isolated and alone. He might have hugged the person who explained everything to him after his memory flash. And crying might have begged the man to "please... just one game...?"
